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A Humorous Look At Childproofing Your HomeBy Jim Sulski Summary: Keeping children safe in your home is no laughing matter. But how about keeping your home safe from your children? In the last decade, there has been a huge growth spurt in the childproofing
industry. Cautious and concerned parents have been spending hundreds of dollars
annually on products to make their homes safer for their children. Rightfully so, most of the products sold in this industry are geared toward protecting children: cabinet locks that keep curious hands away from dangerous stuff, drawer clips that keep toddlers from dropping silverware from above on their heads, gates to keep them from tumbling down steps and plastic clips that keep them from tapping into a home's electrical system. Wonderful devices that I'm sure have prevented countless injuries. But what about protecting the home from the toddlers? The combination of sticky fingers, gnawing teeth and various bodily fluids have been known to cause more destruction to a home that termites or tornadoes. The cost of that destruction probably equates into at least the cost of a new deck and hot tub. Or maybe even a home theater. With that in mind, here are a few products that I hope childproofing manufacturers would consider: • Whole House Shell (Interior Shell for ages 0 to 3, Exterior Shell for ages 4 to 12). Imagine a fine but durable membrane that would cover every square inch of your home, protecting those things that children are known to damage and destroy: remote controls, window screens, dishwasher control panels, speaker netting, etc. The flexible membrane would allow you to operate all of those devices and products through the membrane but prevent them from being gnawed, made sticky, put in places they don't belong - such as a toy box or toilet - or damaged by errant soccer balls. • The Robo-Snatcher: This handy little personal robot could be preprogrammed to quickly recapture those devices and objects from the death-like clutches of a toddler: remote controls, cell phones, checkbooks and fragile heirlooms that have been in the family for generations. The Unruly Child model could not only recapture but serve up small sugar free suckers in exchange. • Handprint-colored paint: Here's an idea - faux finishes that actually do something other than stimulate boring conversations at cocktail parties. And, they mask those horrible stains that toddlers put on walls. Available in a range of colors/flavors and patterns: some sort of purple fruit marbling, spotty indescribable green stuff and rainbow crayon streaking. • Vacu-Dog: Thanks to the science of genetics and cloning, it's time to develop a petri dish-produced canine breed that loves children and all the organic things they drop: half-eaten teething biscuits, smooshed bananas, hot dog pieces gone soggy and artificial color-enhanced drool. This may put those pre-moistened floor wipe people out of business. Also available in a cat model for apartment dwellers. • Catchy-Cat!: Speaking of genetically mutated animals for our benefit, how about cross breeding a cat with a chameleon so that the animal's tail will easily pop off when grabbed by a toddler and later grow back. The cats could be genetically designed so that their tails resemble some of your toddler's favorite Beanie Baby characters. • Obstructo-Sub: This submersible robotic - about the size of a cocktail weenie and equipped with miniature lasers - resides in your home's waste water pipes, diligently blasting away obstructions that suddenly enter the system through the toilet. Say good-bye to messy plunging to retrieve those pacifiers, sippy cup lids and toy figurines! • Gravity-Defying Juice: Can we get that guy who invented the non-leaking sippy cup to come up with juice that hovers in mid-air when spilled? • Spring-Activated Toilet Paper Dispenser: Finally, a device to foil those toddlers who love to yank on a toll of toilet paper until it's just a lonely cardboard tube. At the slightest sense of a toddler pull, the dispenser will jerk back the paper edge out of curious hands. An automatic override sensor connected to the toilet seat would deactivate the device. • Toddler-Free TV: With the advent of digital television, how about a
feature that automatically filters out any imagery of Barney, Teletubbies, Big
Red Dogs, etc., while a parent channel surfs during non-toddler viewing time.
Think of all the injuries that would be avoided by preventing eyeballs from
rolling too far back into your head. © by Jim Sulski. All rights reserved. February 14, 2005. NOTE: This column is distributed by Real Estate Matters Syndicate, PO Box 366, Glencoe, Illinois, 60022. This column may not be resold, reprinted, resyndicated or redistributed without written permission from the publisher. © 2005 by Ilyce R. Glink. Distributed by Real Estate Matters Syndicate. |
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